ICED OAT MATCHA #019
Talking about normal things, in a normal way, but in a cool way.
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Happy Tuesday, sailors. This week, we’re conducting very serious scientific research. The NFL season is in full swing — huge break here to say that if you’re not into football then there’s some music talk afterwards — and Brandon Staley has decided he wants me to suffer. I came into this season with high expectations not just for my Chargers but also for the rest of the league. In laymen’s terms, I expected there to be a lot of good teams in the NFL and thus, for it to be an exciting and competitive season. The season has been, in ways, exciting and competitive but it has not, however, been good.
There are, in fact, not that many good teams in the NFL. That does not necessarily mean said teams are bad. Easy as it is to hit the panic button or to forecast doom and gloom before Thanksgiving, a lot of teams can still heat up and hit their stride before the playoffs. We’re here to do one thing and one thing only: weigh up which teams do or do not have That Dawg in them. This is very simple science, we’re analyzing every team and their record so far and forecasting how their season will go based on what we’ve seen so far.
Like I said, if you’re not into football, the long awaited return of our beloved Quick Hits column is below where we’ll dish on some musical goodies. Let’s ride.
I hadn’t watched football in years before the Rams got into the Super Bowl last year. I stopped keeping up some time in college, so around 2013-14, and had little to no interest in it until everyone and their mothers in Los Angeles suddenly decided they were Rams fans. Any way, I watched a good amount of the playoffs last year and it had me hooked; the Bills-Chiefs divisional game was the first full game I’d watched since probably the 49ers-Packers playoff game (i.e. whatever game Colin Kaepernick set the record for most rushing yards by a quarterback in a playoff game) and, uh, yeah, that was a lot. Just so I don’t have to explain myself later, I am (kind of) a lifelong Chargers fan because my favorite football player of all time is LaDainian Tomlinson. Shout out Quentin Jammer and Lorenzo Neal.
Now that I have established my football expertise and credentials, here’s how this is going to go: we’re gonna look at every team in the league in alphabetical order (by city or state), look at their record, concoct around a paragraph’s worth of thoughts, then using our findings, we will be able to conclude whether or not these teams have said dawg in them. If you would like to dispute these findings, please don’t because you are wrong.
Arizona Cardinals
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: I am not a believer in Kyler Murray. I am also not a believer in Kliff Kingsbury. I should also note that I am not a huge believer in Hollywood Brown. Also, the Cardinals, strangely, did not sign a replacement for Chandler Jones. Also, the Cardinals defense has allowed 123 points, which is more allowed than the Panthers, Bears, Raiders, and Texans. That said, I’m not sure if any of the teams in the NFC West are actually any good and, though I am not (generally) a believer, Kyler Murray has the kind of talent that helps you win games you have no business winning.
Conclusion: May have that dawg in them. Could be a playoff spoiler.
Atlanta Falcons
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: This team is rebuilding but that’s not a terrifying prospect when you have Kyle Pitts and Drake London. I still wouldn’t have taken London as high as they did but who knows how good this skill group could be with Calvin Ridley.
Conclusion: Definitely do not have that dawg in them. Yet.
Baltimore Ravens
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: John Harbaugh is a war criminal but Lamar Jackson looks like he’s trying to win a second MVP. Unstoppable force, immovable object.
Conclusion: Nope. Defund John Harbaugh.
Buffalo Bills
Record: 4-1
Thoughts: Yeah, these dudes are for real.
Conclusion: Track 4 on Gucci Mane’s Chicken Talk 2.
Carolina Panthers
Record: 1-4
Thoughts: Nope.
Conclusion: Absolutely not.
Chicago Bears
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: It is truly impressive that after a full year, I really cannot deduce whether Justin Fields is good or bad at football. I’m definitely leaning towards bad, or at least, not good, but if Justin Fields is bad at football, then at the very least, he has the excuse of having played for a truly repulsive and horribly run football organization.
Conclusion: Gross.
Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: The Bengals and the Chargers are the same in that they are two incredibly talented teams led by two of the best young quarterbacks in the game and, unfortunately, both employ two of the biggest nerds in the league at head coach. The upside with the Bengals is they’re relatively healthy and they’ve begun using Joe Mixon well and the offensive line has improved as the season has progressed.
Conclusion: I don’t think last year was a fluke, to say the least.
Cleveland Browns
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: I love Myles Garrett and my Ohio-residing friends and also generally enjoy Cleveland sports teams. But this team? Nah.
Conclusion: Fuck this team.
Dallas Cowboys
Record: 4-1
Thoughts: I was too lazy to make the meme but just imagine the “flirting vs. harassment” meme but it’s the Giants vs. Cowboys.
Conclusion: Micah Parsons is gonna win DPOY. It brings me no pleasure to point this out but these guys are dawgs.
Denver Broncos
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: In the offseason, I said that this team wasn’t going to be as good as people thought they would be because I wasn’t sure if their secondary could be as elite as it was last year. I mean, I was right on the first part of that sentence, I just didn’t expect it to be because of their offense. Teams don’t gel overnight but man, they are just not good.
Conclusion: Russell Wilson might be bad but Nathaniel Hackett should be sued for malpractice. He might be the worst coach in the league.
Detroit Lions
Record: 1-4
Thoughts: With all due respect to Jared Goff, I have zero thoughts on football teams that employ Jared Goff. Shout out Amon-Ra St. Brown though, he is a bonafide That Boy Nice athlete.
Conclusion: They’re a football team.
Green Bay Packers
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: It’s kind of funny to me that people thought both the Packers and the Chiefs would be bad because both teams lost their star wide receivers. The main difference is that the Chiefs still employ an above average receiver corps while the Packers have badly bandaged theirs back together, the same way a person who has been bitten in a zombie apocalypse might.
Conclusion: I know they’re 3-2 and their only competition is the Vikings but Aaron Rodgers should consider investing in better podcasting equipment.
Houston Texans
Record: 1-3-1
Thoughts: To borrow from an all-time great tweet, Davis Mills’ pronouns must be they/them because he is not him. While the roster has a lot of weaknesses, the Texans have drafted some really great pieces the past two years in Nico Collins, Dameon Pierce, Jalen Pitre. The Texans are a bad football team and maybe it’s dumb luck given some of their other misses on draft week (Ross Blacklock, their entire 2019 class) but I’m just trying to look for positives for some teams to balance out how little thought I give to some other teams.
Conclusion: Self-explanatory.
Indianapolis Colts
Record: 2-2-1
Thoughts: At one point, I thought this team could win the AFC South. Mathematically, they still could. In my mind, this team is total ass. Throw this team in the trash and try again next year.
Conclusion: Bad, but will be fun when we get some Nick Foles minutes.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: One of the most fascinating stories of the season. Generally existing post-Urban Meyer is a marked improvement after last year’s dumpster fire but holy shit, they’re actually... not bad? A good-but-not-great offense that uses its run game really well and their defense (Travon Walker! Devin Lloyd! Darious Williams!) has a really high ceiling.
Conclusion: I’m intrigued.
Kansas City Chiefs
Record: 4-1
Thoughts: Last I checked, they still employ Patrick Mahones, Creed Humphrey, Travis Kelce, and Chris Jones. By my calculations, those are the makings of a good football team.
Conclusion: Not exactly rocket science here. Every regular season game is just warmup for the playoffs.
Las Vegas Raiders
Record: 1-4
Thoughts: This team is so weird. They’ve scored three more points than the Cooper Rush-led Cowboys and allowed less points than the Rams, Ravens, and Cardinals. I’ve seen a good amount of them though and they just do not pass the eye test. Hunter Renfrow is a shadow of himself and they are not finding Darren Waller in the pass game. Say what you want about Derek Carr but those thoughts are muddled by the fact that this o-line is atrocious.
Conclusion: They’re in a race to the bottom of the AFC West with the Broncos.
Los Angeles Chargers
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: This team is 3-2 but boy, they do not feel 3-2 at all. Injuries have legit derailed this team to the point that it’s hard to imagine what they’re supposed to look like. The Chargers injury report has, at some point, included Justin Herbert, Corey Linsley, Rashawn Slater, Keenan Allen, Joey Bosa, and JC Jackson, whom I would like to point out that I was not a fan of his signing and I think needs to sit until it’s clear that he’s fully healthy. The coaching staff have made some baffling decisions ranging from iffy fourth-down decisions to lack of run game innovation to non-reactive defensive scheming. Just a lot of ick.
Conclusion: Don’t give up all your hope but I wouldn’t be mad at you for marking “next year is our year” on your Chargers bingo card.
Los Angeles Rams
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: I half-jokingly suggested to friends that the 49ers would win the AFC West. I am no longer joking. This team is bad, man. Cooper Kupp is out there working miracles but no amount of miracles can fix whatever is wrong with the Rams. I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with the Rams but their entire offense is just not working, though I can definitively say that their defensive retooling during the offseason was super weird and didn’t make any sense. Not signing any kind of replacement for either Von Miller or Sebastian Joseph-Day was baffling. Long season to go but also a lot of ick.
Conclusion: I really don’t see it coming together for these guys.
Miami Dolphins
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: Their defense is not great and their medical staff should not have jobs but assuming one of Tua Tagovailoa or Teddy Bridgewater make it to the end of the season, they could sneak into the wild card since the Bills will definitely take the division. If they do, their skill group would be a nightmare in a one-off scenario.
Conclusion: This team’s entire coaching staff should be disbarred, or whatever the NFL equivalent is, but this offense is good enough to do real damage.
Minnesota Vikings
Record: 4-1
Thoughts: These guys are 4-1. 4-1! It’s not that they’re bad, it’s just… it’s the Vikings! (Says the Chargers fan.) Ignoring who their quarterback is, they have one of the best skill groups in the league and the Hunter-Smith pass rush is killer. If they employed a different person under center, I’d consider myself a fan of this team.
Conclusion: Kirk Cousins supporters should be on a government watchlist.
New England Patriots
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: This team stinks and they’re boring. They don’t stink in the way that they’re one of the worst teams in the league but, ugh, they’re just a football team.
Conclusion: Future Wesleyan head football coach Bill Belichick.
New Orleans Saints
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: I thought this team would be a lot better but their defense has been super shaky and they’re now relying on some combination of Jameis Winston, Andy Dalton, or Taysom Hill to earn them some wins. Not exactly great football but entertaining football. Happy to report that my Chris Olave early stock watch is now paying off.
Conclusion: There’s some dawg that could be found with some real soul searching (and maybe a better quarterback).
New York Giants
Record: 4-1
Thoughts: The New York football Giants are… good? My brain says a team led by its running back can’t be trusted, whether it’s for the purposes of winning playoff games or generally hoping said running back stays healthy, but my heart says: come on, these guys are great! Saquon is rediscovering his old self and their pass rush seems to be legit. The NFC East is shaking up to be really interesting.
Conclusion: There is a non-zero chance they sneak in as the last NFC Wild Card team.
New York Jets
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: Both New York football teams are… good? The Giants have a more concrete identity based on their run game and their defensive front whereas the Jets just have a decent crop of talent but it’s pretty good talent: I’m still iffy on Zach Wilson but he has an arm and you can’t teach that, Breece Hall is him, and Sauce Gardner’s absurd college numbers are translating to the pros very quickly.
Conclusion: Their early record should be taken with a grain of salt but this team is a good free agency away from making them contenders in the AFC East.
Philadelphia Eagles
Record: 5-0
Thoughts: The Philadelphia Eagles are the only undefeated team left in the NFL. I’m just as confused as you are. They’ve earned their wins and yet, I also think they’re being (understandably) overrated by bookies, pundits, etc. In seriousness, I think they’re just really ahead of the curve; the AJ Brown move was really smart and has given them an incredibly well-rounded offense while their defense has come together really quickly. I’m not focused so much on this upcoming week 6 match up against the Cowboys, as much as the week 16 clash where the Cowboys will have a (presumably) fully healthy Dak Prescott.
Conclusion: Playoffs. Expectations? We’ll see.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Record: 1-4
Thoughts: Of all the hot takes I’ve floated in group chats, the Steelers being a dark horse wild card team is probably my worst. I thought maybe their quarterback being anybody other than the person they previously employed, another year of Najee Harris, and the addition of George Pickens would make their offense a lot better; their defensive numbers weren’t great last year but I just felt like it might come together for them with T.J. Watt off a hot year and the addition of Myles Jack. Yeah, this team is bad.
Conclusion: Yuck.
San Francisco 49ers
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: I punted with my expectations on the Niners because I thought of Trey Lance as a wild card of sorts. A few months later, they’re back with the Subway spokesperson at quarterback but Deebo Samuel is just that good; he doesn’t get nearly as many pundits but it feels like Brandon Aiyuk is taking a step forward as well. This defense is nuts.
Conclusion: Looks like we’re gonna get at least one more Jimmy G playoff appearance.
Seattle Seahawks
Record: 2-3
Thoughts: A weird team but also a bit boring in that what I thought would happen to them happened: their offense is one good quarterback away from being great but their defense is horrid. Shout out Will Dissly, my career mode king in Madden 22.
Conclusion: I mean… yeah, they’re bad.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: This offense really misses Gronk; that might seem like a no-brainer but the Bucs pass game, even with their great o-line and a stellar receiver corps, is not hitting heights I feel like they could. There’s worse problems to have though and they have a stellar pass defense to rely on. They could shock some people and make some moves before the deadline for a presence at tight end or to help sew up their run defense.
Conclusion: Whatever dirt TMZ can dig up on Tom Brady is irrelevant to me because I’m more focused on whatever their defense is cooking up any way.
Tennessee Titans
Record: 3-2
Thoughts: Mike Vrabel should be in jail.
Conclusion: Guilty. Throw away the key. (They’ll probably still get into the playoffs because of how bad the South is.)
Washington Commanders
Record: 1-4
Thoughts: Shocking that a football team that employs Carson Wentz and Ron Rivera does not win football games. My Jahan Dotson stocks are making a killing. Free Chase Young and Jonathan Allen.
Conclusion: Repulsive.
Quick Hits is back… for real!
“Put the fuckin’ mic on / Mic is on?” — Fat Joe, “What’s Luv? (feat. Ja Rule & Ashanti)”
This week on Quick Hits, we spin some tunes and dish on some new singles that have piqued my interest and some older stuff I’ve been revisiting.
Paramore is back. Paramore is back. Paramore is back. Paramore is back. Some artists give us Sob Rock and other artists give us After Laughter, and it appears that Paramore seems intent on giving us more of the latter. It seems counterintuitive to say that musicians are having late career arcs at the age of 32 or 33 but that’s exactly what’s happening to Hayley Williams, Zac Farro, and Taylor York. I’m super excited for the album.
I have been saying “I took the Wock to Poland” to myself a few times a day for the past week now. Lil Yatchy is one of the only rappers I have ever seen to capitalize off the hype of a loosie or leak. I still haven’t nailed down when or where Yatchy’s rapping became a little more refined but I’m not complaining.
L’Imperatice released one of the more interesting (on paper) singles of recent times when they connected with Rejjie Snow for “Everything Eventually Ends.” It’s not my favorite work from them — it feels detached from the aura and vibrancy of Tako Tsubo — but they’re always worth a listen to me.
Recently, I was informed that POLO PERKS intends to leave SURF GANG. While POLO is clearly the standout, SGV1 is one of my favorite posse works of recent memory and even with members whose raps kind of all blend together, their chemistry with one another was always incredibly fun. His post did assure us that he’ll still be in tow for SGV2, which is good enough for me, because SGV1 contains arguably the greatest New York rap song of the decade.
I was lukewarm to last year’s Untourable Album but the singles Men I Trust have released this year have me excited for their next full-length work. “Hard to Let Go” is some of their best work, a modern classic for a Zoomer jazz lounge, while “Billie Toppy” is wonderful dark wave homage with its driving guitar riff and bouncy bassline. Emma Proulx’s breathy vocals are the gift that keep on giving.
KISS THE RING is getting a lot of play in rap inner circles; I’m not huge on it but Rome Streetz’s Griselda debut is promising and to the keen ear, the real star is Conductor Williams. Some of his best work since he got signed to Griselda is on there, like “Ugly Balenciagas.”
In my slow but sure immersion in new electronic music, I was kindly put on to Tomu DJ, whose new full-length Half Moon Bay deserves mentioning along some of the cool new names spearheading the house and dance music revival. Its beauty lies in its movement, between the tenderness of “Optimistic” and the club rhythms of “Sunsets.”
I made it three songs into Quavo and Takeoff’s collaboration Only Built For Infinity Links before I decided it wasn’t worth it. Last year’s “Need It” is still some of my favorite big rap music of recent times.